London is chock-full of beyootiful women...stunning, fashion-forward, gorgeous women. And that's fine; I don't begrudge them their uber-attractiveness. Not at all. But what really gets me are the women who manage to look good even on the tube. I just don't get it; is there some trick I'm missing? I'm standing there, various parts of my body drenched in sweat since it's only like six degrees from dehydration down there, makeup long since vanished, feet aching from trudges up stairs, then down stairs, then up again...and invariably I look through a sea of exhausted sardines crammed in the carriage and I see her. She looks polished, put together and poised. I have various theories as to how these women manage this feat:
1. They aren't real women but some sort of Stepford fembot creatures.
2. In my rush to find the victoria Line, the Metropolitan Line, the Waterloo Line...I'm somehow missing the signs that say "Airbrushing Line ---->."
3. There must be some class you can take here called "Looking Good on the Tube 101."
Again, hear me out. I don't resent them. I don't. As a matter of fact, since so many people on the tube seem to be uh, err, hmmm "hygenically challenged" I'd much rather they exist than not exist. And it's not like I want to pick anyone up on the tube, mind you, or anything of that sort. No, my curiosity is purely scientific.
Really.
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4 comments:
Nothing wrong with uber-attractiveness. But since I'm not in the smoke, you're unlikely to have to find out for yourself anyway :-)
London Tube Barbie-
You'll only see her passing through. She's left her Ken at the Amalfi Coast for a high class shopping expedition. Couldn't find her favorite new Ferregamos in Milan. "Blast, I'll have to make a flippn' run to London," she exclaims when you pull the string on her back. ! Clutching her day of the week Prada purse, London Tube Barbie comes with skin able to withstand up to 85% humidity. Dare to touch her and you'll find not a bead of sweat. She comes with an IV to keep her hydrated for extreme weather conditons, but you'd never see it as it is discreetly hidden underneath her new faux fur overcoat. (naaah, that won't make her sweat either). Squeeze her, though , and she'll permeate the tube with designer fragrance. On a casual day you will find her slumming in a baby tee from H&M that says "Don't hate me. Uber attractive Barbie." in rhinestones. She and Ken come with matching airbrush equipment for touch-ups on the run. Try to hate her..it's impossible.
Barbie Biava
PS- She doesn't terminate when the ride is over.
You'll find her in Israel and throughout the diaspora. Oh, she's beautiful, but she'll never think so (then again, some days she might) ...one of the neuroses Messianic Barbie is accustomed to. She can be programmed to the OCD of her choice , but you'll still find her charming , creative, and full of wit at all times. Really, she's brilliant, but ask her to blow the candles out before she leaves the house and she'll surely forget lest she not have something to be anxious over. Messianic Barbie has the fire department programmed into her cell phone. She is highly analytical and can be spotted reading or writing 10 books at a time in multiple languages , gnoshing on matzah, or schlepping to the nearest boutique. She has impeccable taste and can turn most second hand items into saavy "ready for a night on the town" attire. She loves to dance the Horah, make jewelry, paint, and boy can she schmooze! She comes with other Barbies from different parts of the diaspora for this purpose! This Barbie's home is filled with Judaica. Her Ken, well, we'll have to get back to him..she's still analyzing him. Ken is usually the most complicated aspect of her life, but if he is Messianic he doesn't think twice about her eccentricities as long as they compliment his own. This Barbie comes with a manicure and nail jewels unless she's a nail bighter. (IN this case, you can switch the manicure out for perfectly highlighted and colored hair extensions in multiple shades) Messianic Barbie is available with Gentile Ken ( aka. Goy-Toy) or Messianic Ken. Your preference, but rest assured, she's quite talented, and definitely a catch.
PS - According to Brittain Naomi Barbie, Messianic Ken speaks Hebrew and English , but he never thinks he's "all that". He'll speak English if you can't understand, but his best accessory..his humble attitude.
Messianic Barbie is a hoot. Wait, no she isn't...no wait..yes she is , yes, she is!
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